Published July 2018
This is going to be a short blog – well short’ish perhaps! My enjoyment of writing has returned, which feels great! And my enjoyment of life, and my connection to life, and seeing the colour of life – has returned. I’m still mending, but I am no longer in my ‘bubble of despair’.
I was ill with depression from January to June 2018. This was my 4th episode of depression. My days were horrendous – they were also a blur. And honestly, although it may be taboo to say this, I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to live, but I couldn’t live like this and I wanted to end the pain.
Suicide seemed like the only option left. My hope and fight was beyond exhausted. I googled various terms linked to how I could take my own life. I didn’t think I was going to survive the illness this time. It took a very tearful voicemail from my Mum, when she found out I was feeling suicidal, that I realised that I couldn’t do that to her, or to my Dad, or my kids, or Steve, or my siblings, or my nieces and nephews, or my uncles and aunties, or my friends. So I made sure that I was open about these thoughts with the private consultant I was using again, Dr Beider, through his admin team. Something that gave me some hope, even if just a slither, was when he said ‘I am hearing your concerns, and please keep communicating them to me.’ Not only was he treating me for the depression, and trying to make me more comfortable on my most insidious days, he has always been kind and supportive. He has my back. In fact he still has it – for a little while longer.
The difficult thing, is that you can only really understand the illness, if you have had the illness yourself. Which makes the illness seem even crueller. For those suffering, and for those trying to support.
One friend of mine was kind and supportive, but in March she said the words ‘its like you’ve given up, you have to think more positively’ Boy did those words hurt me – I had two full journals full of positive affirmations, thoughts, ideas etc … I had my CBT folder out each day, trying to connect with documents that had helped me before. And yet I was still ill with depression. Luckily, it was the only hurtful comment. My family and friends have always been very supportive and loving.
There is so much I could say, but it’s too soon for me to talk about it. I’m still mending. I still need to take it easy. But I do want to share the following with you.
January and February were difficult but doable. March, April and May were a blur – I cried alot of despairing and painful tears. The beginning of June – the same, but with dwindling hope – I felt more desperate as I couldn’t see any improvement or the light at the end of the tunnel – a shit hole of a tunnel to be in by the way!
But mid June, some good moments. And from Thursday 21st June, I felt it ‘lift’. I started to feel my usual self. And those days continued. And as I write this, Tuesday 26th June, I know the worst is behind me. I feel more my usual self, I feel the connection to life once again. I do feel wary, I even feel scarred right now, but I do believe I feel well.
On Wednesday 20th June I had an appointment at a place called The Network – a place in Barnet that works with people that are experiencing mental illness, with the aim to support them, work alongside them to guide them, help them to get to a place of well being and engaged in the community once more. It’s a service that you have to be referred to by the link worker of Barnet, a person I didn’t know existed until an appointment with a different GP to my usual GP, who told me about the link worker. And I had to be referred to the link worker by the GP. And my usual GP didn’t offer this to me, which sadly disappoints me as I really like and trust my usual GP, and he has seen me ill with clinical depression four times, but he didn’t refer me to the borough link worker? Anyway, I asked to be referred to the link worker, average waiting time 3-4 weeks. We had a chat and she referred me to The Network.
I met with a lovely lady, let’s call her ‘Mary’ for now as I’ve only met her once. She will work with me on a one to one basis on what I think is a bi-weekly appointment, and we’re going to take the next steps together. She said ‘I’m really going to enjoy working with you’ and I said the same back to her. The one thing we did identify, is that all my depressive illness have a link to ‘work’
Episode 1 – Burn Out
Episode 2 – Burn Out, accepted redundancy
Episode 3 – Volunteering. Attempt to return back to work part time
Episode 4 – Attempt to return back to work part time.
Why? These is something in my subconscious – of which isn’t conscious. I don’t know what the triggers are that catapault me into depression. But Mary said we are going to work on this together.
And now I have Dr Beider, and Mary, who have my back. In fact I said to Mary as she wrote down the next appointment date for me ‘you’ve got my back’ and she looked me straight in the eyes and said ‘Yes, I do’.
I look forward … to moving forward.
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